12 Steps to Healthy BPD Relationships

Take these steps to help create a lasting, healthy relationship when you have BPD.

  1. Monitor your Moods and Anxiety:

    Remember that you will probably be highly anxious at the start of a new relationship - this is normal.

  2. Understand and make friends with your rejection fears

    Most people with BPD will be highly vigilant to any signs that a new partner is less than enthusiastic. Be kind to these fears, understand them and develop your self-soothing capacity. You may want to discuss your abandonment fears with your new partner - when you feel safe.

  3. Take it slowly!

    Don’t get too involved too quickly - take your time before getting involved. Get to know them and let them get to know you.

  4. Remember that they will have bad days too!

    You might need to have some understanding for their limitations and fears. You are not the only one with anxiety around relationships.

  5. Tell them how you are feeling and why - calmly (if you can)

    Its a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. As you develop self-awareness your skills in communicating feelings without anger and blame will increase.

  6. If you need to take a break, do so.

    No-one wants to be with a partner 24/7 except as a way to make sure they are truly devoted - and that’s NOT a good enough reason.

  7. If you are feeling triggered let them know but try not to blame them

    No-one likes being blamed for something they didn’t even know they were doing. They may have been a bit insensitive, but that’s not a reason to hate them.

  8. Make sure you keep your daily routines

    Regular sleep patterns, eating healthy food, getting fresh air and exercise all continue to be important whether you are in a relationship or not.

  9. Remember your life is not all about them

    You are still important, beautiful and worthwhile whether you are in a relationship or not!

  10. Maintain your supportive friendships

    Friends are incredibly important to debrief and provide perspective when you are overwhelmed.

  11. Continue to do all the things you normally enjoy

    Outings with friends, hobbies, alone time - don’t focus all your time and energy on the relationship, even though that is the temptation - especially in the early days.

  12. Be patient with yourself and them

    Remember it will probably be hard for them to “get it right” and they may trigger you without meaning to.

Creating a lasting relationship when you have BPD

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