It’s all going swimmingly.
Romantic dates with roses, chocolates, expensive restaurants and jewellery. Love is in the air. Or so it seems.
Those three little words can mean so much to those who hear them, but what do they really mean in the rise and fall of relationships — especially in a relationship with a narcissist?
Growing up with a narcissistic mother, my experience of love was fraught. I didn’t want to be loved, especially not by her. There were always long, prickly, tangled strings attached.
From early on in our relationship, before I had the words to describe it, I internalised a sense of shame — of not being good enough. And every time I heard the word love, I assumed I needed to step up. I certainly wasn’t good enough as I was. Love became a kind of admonishment. A call to arms. A need to perform in order to be worthy and to retain her affection.
But it wasn’t just the unpleasant sense of being unworthy that made me cringe, it was the impingement that accompanied her impossible affection. Intrusive and controlling, she wanted me to be the way she imagined and required and the price for failing was narcissistic rage. I couldn’t just be myself, nor could I expect the freedom to understand and enjoy who I really was.
So hearing someone say I love you has always made me wary — and sometimes ashamed.
A romantic relationship with a narcissist as an adult can be just as confusing. They have an agenda. And you can bet it’s not about your wellbeing or happiness. Sure, they may seem attentive, even affectionate. But underneath the loving facade is a seething mass of neediness and control.
A narcissist will shower you with affection in order to get you on side. They aim to disarm and distract you from their flaws and from the reality that the relationship will be constructed around getting their needs met, rather than real affection.
Narcissism is a thorny issue in romantic relationships.
On the one hand, narcissists are experts at initiating romantic relationships because they seem to be desirable relationship partners. On the other hand, these relationships are frequently problematic because they can be troubled, short-lived, and destructive to the individual dating the narcissist.
(The understatement of the year from researchers Brunell & Campbell in Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: Understanding the Paradox.)
Of course, we all have flaws. And we all put our best foot forward in those first heady weeks of dating. But for a narcissist, the difference between the facade and reality is not a crack, but a gaping chasm. There is really nothing there.
Narcissists manage their self-image through social feedback. They just don’t have a stable sense of self. For them, love is a means to an end. It helps them gather supplies. In some cases, romantic love may be their only form of supply. You might be important to them, but not because you are intrinsically valuable. They value you because you can help them feel better about themselves, get something they want, or look better to the outside world.
Scary isn’t it?
The flip side of this exploitation is worse. If you stumble from the pedestal or fail them in some way, you can easily become a container for the narcissist’s shame. Derision, contempt, rage, and blame will accompany your fall. As Sandy Hotchkiss outlines in Why is it Always About You? narcissists generally want to fuse with their romantic partners.
For most people, fusion is just the initial stage of falling in love. In emotionally mature individuals, the “fusion delusion” gives way to an acceptance of our partner’s flaws and differences, and a deeper relationship.
The goal for the narcissist, on the other hand, is the “obliteration of [their] partner’s autonomy.” (Hotchkiss) Separation and difference are extremely painful and confronting for people who are narcissistic, and shattering the illusion of sameness can lead to feelings of shame or outbursts of rage. You may find yourself the object of contempt when you have exercised your autonomy or unwittingly pricked the balloon of their grandiosity.
Love, for the narcissist, is simply a means to an end. A narcissist’s love object is truly objectified, unable to be autonomous or practice their own subjectivity whilst in the narcissist’s thrall. The price for being in the relationship is subjugation to the narcissist’s will.
“Unfortunately the euphoria of shared adoration and apparent love is usually a fleeting experience.
Your NPD partner achieves what he so intensely craves, your devoted admiration as well as his need to idealise your own admirable qualities (making you a worthy mirror of his grandiose self). As the co-dependant partner, you also achieve the perfect love object: someone who inspires and elevates your compulsion to nurture — a partner who gives purpose to your mission to give.”
Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists
Brunell and Campbell liken having a relationship with a narcissist to eating chocolate cake. It might be appealing in the short term, but over time it is a very bad idea:
“The [narcissist’s] partner has a positive initial experience and negative long-term experience (with the negative long-term experience being significantly more negative than the narcissist’s own experience).
The partner will see his or her outcomes become significantly more negative over time. This is the natural downward spiral of getting involved with a narcissist.”
According to Brunell and Campbell, narcissists generally have relationships that are “shallow, transitory and lacking in commitment.”
[They] tend to search for a better partner (i.e., “the better deal” or “the trophy spouse”; Campbell, 1999), pay attention to alternatives to their current relationship (Campbell & Foster, 2002), engage in game-playing while in a relationship (Campbell et al., 2002), date as a means for self-enhancement (Campbell, 1999), and place little, if any, emphasis on developing emotional, intimate relationships with others (Campbell, 2005). (Brunell and Campbell)
My belief is that severe narcissists are incapable of real love because they cannot view others are separate or equal. The “game” of the relationship incorporates winning and subjugation, rather than acceptance, intimacy and real affection.
“The intimacy of emotional sharing is not within your NPD partner’s comfort zone because he is cut off from his true feelings, defined, instead by his all consuming drive to support a grandiose persona or purpose. You may feel a terrible shock as you see the dark side of your partner’s defences and his need to flee from the threat of intimacy.
He may escape into his unending work responsibilities, social distractions, or insatiable needs for playing hard. He will also seek reasons to justify these escapes with regular rebukes of your “neediness” and/or your unrealistic or unfair expectations.” Payson
Narcissists are initially compelling. They attract others by projecting their grandiosity outwards. Their victims are drawn to the “narcissists’ charm, popularity, and sexual attractiveness (Brunell, Campbell, Smith, & Krusemark, 2004).
“Narcissists have a set of qualities — social confidence, likability, charm — that are optimal for relationship initiation, but when combined with another set of qualities — low empathy, self-centeredness, the use of others for esteem maintenance — are destructive to relationship functioning.
As a consequence, narcissists repeatedly initiate new relationships, damage the relationship and hurt their partners, and then move on to another relationship. Unfortunately, this is the optimal path for narcissists given their make-up, but non-optimal for their partners or the social structure.” Brunell and Campbell
In their study of narcissism and romance, Brunell and Campbell asked individuals to compare past dating relationships with narcissistic and non-narcissistic partners.
“When asked about the worst part of the relationship, participants revealed that the narcissistic ex-partner was self-centered, materialistic, deceptive, and controlling. …They felt the narcissist used them and played games with them.
…Their perception of the narcissist changed drastically over the course of their relationship, and their satisfaction with the relationship plummeted. Consequently, they reported that they regretted getting involved with the narcissistic ex-partner in the first place because the relationship took a large emotional toll.”
So what do narcissists mean when they say I love you? They mean that you are useful to them….temporarily.
