Yep. You heard it here first.
Narcissistic families are like mini cults. Complete with charismatic leaders, submissive acolytes, mini-me’s and hangers on.
Without the god-bothering, incense and group chants…at least most of the time.
There’s always a lot going on under the surface in narcissistic families and most of it isn’t good. Personality disorders cause intense and unacknowledged emotions to circulate and be transferred through projection and identification. Everyone ends up being subsumed into the zeitgeist of parental dysfunction. The family’s prime directive and raison d’etre is to meet the needs of the narcissistic parent. Everything and everyone else is expendable.
Children are generally sacrificed on the altar of parental ego. Even the golden child is still viewed as an adjunct….an object of admiration at times and a means for the parent to feel better about themselves, but those who don’t toe the parental line will be summarily discarded. Whilst the golden child keeps performing and reflecting glory onto the narcissist they will maintain their position. But this exhausting balancing act often comes at the cost of their authentic self.
Just like every self-respecting cult, the narcissistic family has its own deep-seated secrets and bizarre traditions. Unquestioning obedience is usually valued over freedom of thought and action. The narcissistic parent is all-powerful, all-knowing and intransigent. The rules are never quite clarified, but you certainly know when you have transgressed. And those who question, dissent, challenge, or leave are “shunned”.
And just like most cults, the external image is burnished to an eye watering sheen, while the reality of daily life is, well, different. In narcissistic families everyone is co-opted into keeping up appearances, usually at the expense of their inner lives. The lesson learned is that feelings are unimportant, but, hey, things look super good.
In Robert Redford’s film Ordinary People the narcissist in chief Beth (Mary-Tyler-Moore) keeps the house looking lovely, but is unable to to grieve for the child she has lost or relate to her remaining son. She also doesn’t appreciate any family member trying to express authentic feelings or other people finding out that the family is less than perfect. Everything generally has to go the way she wants, often at the expense of everyone else’s feelings. Yet she still manages to see herself as a victim.
In his book on traumatic narcissism, therapist Daniel Shaw outlines the reality of cults.
Himself a member of a fundamentalist Hindu cult for over 10 years, Shaw describes his slow realisation that the Guru he worshipped as a higher being was in reality craven, corrupt and narcissistic. After leaving , he was vilified and ostracised by people he had thought of as friends - a practice described as “shunning”.
“The use of power to intimidate, seduce, coerce, belittle and humiliate others. Not to strengthen, uplift and enlighten as advertised, but for the more base purposes of psychological enslavement and parasitic exploitation.”
Shaw had heard many rumours of a male leader sexually exploiting, assaulting and seducing vulnerable women, including underage girls. Initially sceptical and unwilling to believe that he was a part of a group in which such crimes could be sanctioned, he slowly comes to the realisation that his Guru was actually a selfish and self-aggrandising narcissist. Just like in narcissistic families, anyone who says anything even a vaguely critical is immeadiately brought to heel, admonished and in some cases ex-communicated. Dissent and difference are frowned upon and the price for non-conformity is high.
Sound familiar?
Narcissistic families CULTivate us vs them. If people outside the family notice something NQR, well they’re deluded and will probably go to hell. These dissenting others are generally “redistributed” or in some cases shunned. When the hard won illusions of the narcissist are shattered by truth-telling strangers, the narcissists move to defend their territory.
Of course, eventually the fledglings in a narcissistic family will leave the nest. If the narcissist has been successful in creating a mini-me, then the fledgling will leave with their delusions intact, never having been given the opportunity to develop an independent self or a clear-eyed view of life.
Children of narcissists often understand that something is wrong, but they don’t know exactly what. Sometimes they seek geographical boundaries. They know that they want to escape, so they move across the country seeking freedom, often finding that they have brought the dysfunction with them. Only with the work of therapy and hard won transformation can the child of narcissists come to terms with the dysfunctional legacy of their family of origin.
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You’ve done all the work. You’ve been there & done that. You’ve come to know yourself and your past, but you still can’t resist those delicious grandiose men.