I get that you want vindication.
You want acknowledgement. Hell, you want change.
A more responsive, reciprocal relationship. But remember who you are dealing with. People who are severely narcissistic don’t appreciate feedback. They don’t like to be challenged. And they sure as hell don’t want to be confronted. Not with their self-centred behaviour or their failure to consider your needs. Or their emotional abuse.
So you’re stuck. You can tell them what is going on for you. You can politely point out that you feel neglected, overlooked, abandoned, discounted.
But will that make them pause and reflect?
NO!
I really wish it was different. I wish you could say your piece and find them listening sincerely, taking notes and then taking a long hard look at themselves. I wish they valued relationships enough to compromise. To want to be closer to you enough to take your criticisms into account. To really want a meaningful, close relationship enough to do the work.
But the cold, hard fact is that they don’t. For them, relationships are more about “gaming” — there must always be winners and losers. They need what you can give them, but they don’t want to give back.
When you confront them, you will be doing something for yourself. You will be validating your own needs and desires. But don’t expect them to understand — or to empathise. They will be too busy defending themselves against any implied (or overt) criticism. They may turn it back against you, telling you all about your faults and creating the illusion that they are in fact the victim of your unwarranted abuse. No matter how mild the criticism. No matter how justified the assessment.
Their self-image needs to be perfect, so they will come out with all guns blazing. It can sometimes feel like you are stuck in a room with the most brilliant defence lawyer in the country, wondering how to frame your next statement to avoid being picked apart and tossed aside. It’s a losing game, and sometimes it’s better not to play.
Karen was a smart woman. Sensitive and thoughtful, she was in a quandary about the next steps in her healing journey. As we worked together, she slowly made the difficult decision to go no-contact with her narcissistic family — temporarily.
But Karen wanted to go further. She wanted to tell the truth. She wanted to let her family know how difficult it was to have a relationship with them. How hard she had tried and how much she had been hurt. So she wrote a letter.
As we worked carefully through the writing and found words to express her feelings, we kept being tripped up by the need to find words that were authentic, but also didn’t blame or trigger her extremely thin-skinned mother. After much umm-ing and ahh-ing, and a lot of soul searching, she sent her email, hoping for some of the acknowledgement that had been missing for most of her life.
So what did she get?
Far from acceptance, understanding or reflection, she got a barrage of wounded pride. Her mother made sure everyone in the family knew that her youngest daughter had “turned against her.” Karen soon found herself ostracised and blamed, with angry phone calls coming at her and emotional blackmail via manipulative texts. Everyone from Aunty Betty to cousin Pete was outraged and determined to find a solution that involved Karen wearing the blame and her mother achieving victimised sainthood.
It was hard for Karen to accept that after so much angst and self-reflection, all she got was pushback and rage. We keep trying, keep bashing our head against the brick wall of our parent’s limitations, but the reality is that they won't change. Narcissistic parents will do anything to avoid experiencing their own imperfections, including the projection of blame and shame on those closest to them. Relationships are destroyed in a desperate attempt to maintain their fragile self-image.
Karen eventually moved on, leaving her dysfunctional family far behind her, but the wounds of invalidation and blame still smart. She carries those wounds into every relationship, including her relationship with herself. She still has the work of grief and acceptance to come.
Sometimes confrontation can bring recognition. It can help us to understand just how damaged our parents are. But it’s not a pleasant reckoning. It can bring us into contact with the trauma we have spent most of our lives denying.
So, if you must confront the narcissist, do so carefully. And in the knowledge that you may never get the acknowledgement you crave.
